Ever had that feeling where you are so happy that you feel like you’re out of control and you really need to calm the frog down?
Recently, I’ve been feeling so energized, giggly, and really, really very happy…even if I’m on my own! Which only proves that I really do know how to make myself happy even with little things and without the company or help of another person.
Things get freaky, though, when this excitement I have within is added with the thrill of seeing friends whom I have missed so much over time. When this happens, the volcano of energy that I am erupts uncontrollably and I end up somehow regretting how I have behaved. Not to mention, I got out of sorts.
Today, when I went to hear the Mass, I got to be honest and say that my mind was wandering (still because of my inner excitement) while attending the Mass. This leads to me asking Jesus to do something about this moments before I received communion.
When I received communion, everything took a 360-degree turn and I became more in control and aware of my actions. When I was walking back to my seat, I felt like I just received grace. Like, I just received some sort of medicine that physically did something to me. Like I got a cure that made me gentle, still and slow, which aided the obnoxious and overflowing-with-energy me. I was in a state of grace.
So, when I got in that state of grace, I wanted to learn so much from it since I want to be able to have something to teach myself when I get lost again and go back to my obnoxious self. Simply put, I learned that I must always be in a state of grace.
I also realized that I felt so far from Jesus when I was in my giggly, obnoxious state and that I find it so difficult to have the eagerness to spend time with Him, when I’m on that state. Being on the state of grace taught me that if I wanted to be closer to Jesus, then I must keep myself calm and be still.
That doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy. Happiness is so easy to attain but that’s not what He wants for me—He wants me to receive His kind of joy, which lasts longer than happiness and delights greater than happiness.
So, self, if you want to be with Jesus, I need you to calm the frog down and use all your energy to be calm. Always be calm. Be in solitude wherein you get to hear what Jesus says more clearly. Who says you can’t be happy when you’re calm? Have you forgotten that being with Jesus alone is more than enough to give you joy?
I’m NBSB (shucks, right? Joke hehehe). In case you don’t know, NBSB stands for No Boyfriend Since Birth. But being NBSB doesn’t mean that I never got my heart broken or that I never fell in luurve hahahaha (yuck anjel). In fact, I got my heart so broken that it felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces and all the little pieces were scattered all over middle Earth, impossible to be fixed again.
I believe that just as much as everyone else who has been through that phase in life, I am allowed to be put in the position of being allowed to say a word on getting into courtship or as my high school principal refers to it, ‘boypren-boyprenan and girlpren-girlprenan’.
Throughout the course of my life, I have seen a lot of girls and boys my age who jump from one relationship into another. Who could blame them? This kind of love is just so gosh darn filled with rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, overwhelming happiness and every happy and good word there is. But what sucks is that once this cotton candy fairytale has ended, there is an emptiness that sucks life out of you. An emptiness that drags you full speed to the darkest and deepest abyss there is. An emptiness that is unfathomable which could also lead to years and years of confinement to that dark abyss and even to suicide.
Few of my assumptions about the roots of this emptiness are: missing him/her, missing doing the things that you’ve been used doing, being lonely, etc etc. So, to aid this emptiness, people go into another relationship. And when something goes wrong, they go into another relationship. It’s an endless cycle that happens to almost everyone.
I once read that love isn’t about you. Given that statement, I believe that loving a person is being, first, so full of love yourself that you’re overflowing with it, so much so that this love spills to others. So when you’re empty, how can you love?
See, here’s the danger of loving when you’re empty: You tend to be selfish that when you feel like he/she doesn’t love you the way you think you should be loved, the relationship most likely flies out the window. When you’re empty, he/she might not even be enough for you.
Another point: people go into relationships because they’re empty since the start and they believe that the attainment of a lover could fulfill this unfathomable emptiness, which is clearly a wrong move because technically, you’re looking for a someone that you can use to make yourself happy. It’s a move in which people mistake exploitation as love. It’s a move in which people use other people in order to fulfill their own happiness. In the end, relationships like that do more harm—people get even emptier, for one.
I believe that the best thing to do regarding boypren-boyprenan is not about finding the perfect person for you just so things can work out—I believe that the best thing to do is to first become the perfect you. Before getting into a relationship, take your time to chisel, burn, correct, perfect-ize and teach yourself.
More importantly, take time to know God. Because it’s only in God that you find who you are and what you must live for. And He is the source of all things good—joy, peace and love, included. (When you have these things, who wouldn’t want to be around you?)
Today, I read my previous blog post and I noticed that I seemed to be so sure that I will get into marriage in the future. To be honest, I’m actually only considering the possibility and I’m not entirely sure that I’d be marrying. In fact I’m only 60% sure (Ha Ha) that I will marry. The other 40% goes to the option of going into the celibacy of the clergy.
Yes, I’m seriously thinking of entering nunnery. But I’m not really sure because I don’t know a lot of nuns who get to interact and be involved with the laymen, you know? (It’s because I want to be able to talk and shake hands with people, interact and be really involved with them in the event that I’d be a nun.) Unlike the priests and seminarians whom you get to see often especially if you go the Church a lot and attend their activities.
One of the things that inspired me to enter nunnery is seeing a lot of peaceful and joy-filled-looking seminarians whom I saw in a recent activity held in and by a Church. It was just another of those moments where I saw these young men (good-looking young men, by the way) really focused and concentrated on God…and I always get fascinated with that. That is why I told my sister once that if ever I was born a boy, I would be 100% sure that I’d enter priesthood. But I was born a girl.
A beki girl, by the way. By beki, I mean really imaginative, dreamy, ambitious and creative like those youthful fashion magazine editors whom you get to read about in books like The Devil Wears Prada and Shopaholic (if I’m not mistaken). That being said, you can say that I’m ultra-kikay and we girls swoon over the fairy-tale of being carried by a charming prince of a knight in shining armor in the marbled staircase of a castle in a kingdom far, far away.
But the thing is, I have already found my Prince. And He is the reason why I’m considering an unpopular lifestyle. My Prince is the Lord Jesus Christ and I love Him so much that I’m very much willing and highly considering to offer my life in the celibacy of the clergy if that’s where God wants me to be in.
I’m not saying that people who aren’t part of the clergy aren’t living for God or offering their lives up to God. We are all called for different purposes and we, laymen and clergymen, all can glorify God the same and equally as long as we know in our heart of hearts, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, that we really do live for God, regardless of being a part of the clergy or not. A student can glorify God as much as a seminarian does (or even more) as long as he does things that glorify God by those standards!
To wrap it up, my future is still a blank page to me. And I’m offering that one blank page up to God. What I pray for is that my heart will become aligned to God’s plans for me, and that His plans for me will become the desires of my heart. Most importantly, I pray that His plans will transpire in my life 100%!